Regis' shocking tell-all book!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Only the two supermarket rags that have the lion's share of Hey Old Timer Gossip, the Globe and the low rent Examiner, think Regis Phiblin is a source of hot dish. This time it's the Globe who says their is a tell-all book, for which someone will be paid $10 million. It isn't clear on the cover whether he is the author or someone is ratting on him. Here are the headlines.

• Divorce bombshell
• Other women
• How he nearly died - THREE TIMES
• Inside: Shocking truth about Kathie Lee
  

She Fought The Law (and won) Alert™: A passel of Casey Anthony stories.

Publications: National Enquirer, National Examiner, Globe, Star, In Touch
Date: 25 July 2010

If we ignore the Sun, which is usually about the end of the world, the five meanest gossip rags are the other four published by AMI (National Enquirer, the low rent Examiner, Globe, Star) and In Touch. All five of those have Casey Anthony stories this week. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Casey and her lawyer: getting physical!
• National Examiner: Casey Anthony verdict: what do you think?
• Globe: Casey Anthony marked for death!
  Chilling threat targets Monster Mom
• Star: Casey Anthony ca$hing in (OUTRAGE!)
• National Enquirer: Casey Anthony Wedding Bombshell
  Secret new life of America's most hated woman
  Another baby to replace Caylee
  $50K plastic surgery makeover
  Where she'll live and more

For a little outrage overspill, the Enquirer has a picture of the judge in the case and a story from his mistress blabbing about his cheating.

This is a lot of stories, but only counts as a single week's coverage by my way of counting. We will see if she remains gossip-worthy as the year continues.

Meanest story nominee: Glen Campbell's final battle

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

The news of Glen Campbell's Alzheimer's diagnosis is two weeks old now, first put on the cover by the National Enquirer, but the low rent Examiner decides to re-hash the story and call it Campbell's "final battle", so I'm giving this the "Not Long 4 This World" label, even though the mentally debilitating disease does not necessarily mean a shorter life, just a much less pleasant one. In this "exclusive", the low rent Examiner promises to give the "tragic reason behind shocking Alzheimer's confession".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Amber's deathbed confession!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 July 2011

Anyone who has read this blog before knows how much I dislike the entire concept of the reality show Teen Mom. Since I haven't watched it, I don't have a least favorite star of this show, but having read headlines, it seems like Amber Portwood is one of the most disagreeable.

It is my fond wish that these young women would not be on TV, but I'm not wishing them dead.

In Touch uses the word "deathbed" in a cover story about Amber Portwood. She did attempt suicide, but it wasn't anywhere near a successful attempt, so it wasn't really a "deathbed confession".

The gossip rags have only used the word "deathbed" in three cases prior to this in the last eighteen months. They have used it to describe Elizabeth Edwards and Elizabeth Taylor after they died, and they used it in a story about Zsa Zsa Gabor when it looked like she was going to die.

Zsa Zsa is 93. Amber is 21. Claiming Zsa Zsa was on her deathbed can be listed as an honest mistake.

This, on the other hand, is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Whitney Houston dying!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 20 June 2011

Way back last June, the Enquirer wrote that Whitney Houston would be dead "within months". Back then, it was all about the drugs. This week, the low rent Examiner says she is dying, but says the cause will be a lung disease she has contracted. They also mention she is in rehab for the fourth time.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Paula Deen battles deadly disease!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 May 2011

The Flagship puts Paula Deen on the tabloid death watch this week, but at the very lowest level, the "battling deadly disease" level. Others on this list are Bill Clinton, Cher and Portia de Rossi. If I put stock in what the vultures of the gossip press say, I would say Bill and Cher are in more dire straits because they have also been given the "xxx months to live treatment". Still, the track record of the tabloids when they say someone is near death has been pretty weak.

Best wishes to Paula Deen, her family and friends.

Also, you might want to try less butter in some of those recipes. Just sayin'.

Don't try suicide: John Edwards suicidal as lawyer gives him bad news.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 April 2011

John Edwards is almost the exclusive property of the National Enquirer. There has been one story about his late wife Elizabeth in People which mentioned him as a minor character, but every other story is in The Flagship and all of them are negative.

Which is no more than he deserves.

Even so, I made a promise to keep track of every time a supermarket rag marked someone for death, and finally realized that when they say someone is suicidal, this is the absolute weakest death warning around. As such, I have started a new label called "Don't try suicide" and I went back over the past death warnings and added this label to the ones that mentioned suicide.

When one of the tabloid vultures says "xxx dying!", they have a 100% probability of being right eventually. But when they say "zzz suicidal!", the chance that they are correct is much closer to 0%. Still, John Edwards goes on the death watch list, though I expect he's going to be staying on this side of the lawn for the foreseeable future.