Meanest Story nominee: Amber's deathbed confession!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 July 2011

Anyone who has read this blog before knows how much I dislike the entire concept of the reality show Teen Mom. Since I haven't watched it, I don't have a least favorite star of this show, but having read headlines, it seems like Amber Portwood is one of the most disagreeable.

It is my fond wish that these young women would not be on TV, but I'm not wishing them dead.

In Touch uses the word "deathbed" in a cover story about Amber Portwood. She did attempt suicide, but it wasn't anywhere near a successful attempt, so it wasn't really a "deathbed confession".

The gossip rags have only used the word "deathbed" in three cases prior to this in the last eighteen months. They have used it to describe Elizabeth Edwards and Elizabeth Taylor after they died, and they used it in a story about Zsa Zsa Gabor when it looked like she was going to die.

Zsa Zsa is 93. Amber is 21. Claiming Zsa Zsa was on her deathbed can be listed as an honest mistake.

This, on the other hand, is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Paula Deen suicide shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 May 2011

Of all the celebrity chefs, Paula Deen is the one the Three Wicked Step Sisters like to pick on the most. This time it's the Enquirer saying the police found six empty pill bottles in her home.

Maybe she's just not tidy.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Don't try suicide: John Edwards suicidal as lawyer gives him bad news.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 April 2011

John Edwards is almost the exclusive property of the National Enquirer. There has been one story about his late wife Elizabeth in People which mentioned him as a minor character, but every other story is in The Flagship and all of them are negative.

Which is no more than he deserves.

Even so, I made a promise to keep track of every time a supermarket rag marked someone for death, and finally realized that when they say someone is suicidal, this is the absolute weakest death warning around. As such, I have started a new label called "Don't try suicide" and I went back over the past death warnings and added this label to the ones that mentioned suicide.

When one of the tabloid vultures says "xxx dying!", they have a 100% probability of being right eventually. But when they say "zzz suicidal!", the chance that they are correct is much closer to 0%. Still, John Edwards goes on the death watch list, though I expect he's going to be staying on this side of the lawn for the foreseeable future.