Demon Rum Alert™: Harry Potter star's drunken binges!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Daniel Radcliffe! The gossip rags l-o-v-e Twilight, but this is the first story about anyone from the Harry Potter cast on a supermarket checkout rag cover in a year and half at least. Star wants you to know young Mr. Radcliffe is a drunk, but he's already admitted to this in interviews and he says he's given the stuff up.

Damn You Fat Alert™: Jessica Simpson drunk and crying over her weight.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 30 May 2011

Two very different stories about Jessica Simpson in the tabs this week. Star says she's upset over her weight, and gets drunk and weepy about it.

Breaking news: Whitney Houston checks into rehab. Again.

Publication: People online
Date: 9 May 2011

The online version of People is reporting that Whitney Houston is checking into rehab for treatment of addiction to drugs and alcohol. Since this is reported on a Monday, it should be on the cover of some gossip rag coming out this Thursday.

Demon Drugs and Demon Rum Alert™: Lady Gaga's family has an intervention.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 9 May 2011

Online gossip sources love Lady Gaga, the supermarket rags not so much. This year, only Star has mentioned her at all and both times it's to tell us she's taking way too many recreational concoctions. Here are the sub-headlines.

• family's last ditch attempt to save her
• drunk all day
• terrifying collapse
• coke & ecstasy

Who knows? Maybe she was born this way.

Meanest Story nominee: Tina Turner headed to booze rehab, friends fear.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 May 2011

Welcome (back) to gossip hell, Miss Tina Turner! The Enquirer has another one of those "friends fear" stories, which really means somebody needed a few bucks and they ratted out a celebrity for cash. According to this story, Tina is drinking hard after the death of her sister.

I hate to bring up age and Miss Turner in the same sentence, but I had a poster of her in my room when I was in high school, so she does technically count as Hey Old Timer Gossip.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Demon Rum Alert™: Lindsay wasted on Red Bull and vodka!

Publication: Star
Date: 2 May 2011

If some supermarket rag is picking on Lindsay Lohan in 2011, it's a pretty good bet it's the Star. They now tell us Lindsay is continuing to get sloshed on Red Bull and vodka, the drink for people who want to do a lot of things they won't remember the next morning. The source is "partying pal" Keith Middlebrook, who can fully expect that he has been removed from LiLo's speed dial.