Bun in the oven alert™?: Reese looks pregnant!

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

OK!, the nicest of the supermarket checkout rags if not the most reliable, tells us little Reese Witherspoon looks pregnant. Here are the headlines.

• Breaking baby news
• First, a dream wedding - now Reese has another reason to celebrate!
  

I should remind my readers that if everything we read on the cover of OK! was true, we would know be hip deep in Kardashian rugrats.

Meanest story nominee: Kate Middleton pregnant AND anorexic!

Publication: Star
Date: 25 July 2011

The Star has a story about Kate Middleton, but it has nothing to do with the visit. Before they were hitched, it was a little rude to say she was already pregnant, and now the rudest stories say she can't get pregnant because she's too skinny.

So Star puts both those threads together and tells us Kate IS pregnant and too skinny at the same time. In what they call a "pregnancy and anorexia shocker!", they say she is 95 lbs. and pregnant. Kate is 5'10" (or 1m 78 tall and weighing 43 kg for my non Yank readers). Some top models are that tall and usually even the way skinny ones are still slightly over 100 pounds.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

She Fought The Law (and won) Alert™: A passel of Casey Anthony stories.

Publications: National Enquirer, National Examiner, Globe, Star, In Touch
Date: 25 July 2010

If we ignore the Sun, which is usually about the end of the world, the five meanest gossip rags are the other four published by AMI (National Enquirer, the low rent Examiner, Globe, Star) and In Touch. All five of those have Casey Anthony stories this week. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Casey and her lawyer: getting physical!
• National Examiner: Casey Anthony verdict: what do you think?
• Globe: Casey Anthony marked for death!
  Chilling threat targets Monster Mom
• Star: Casey Anthony ca$hing in (OUTRAGE!)
• National Enquirer: Casey Anthony Wedding Bombshell
  Secret new life of America's most hated woman
  Another baby to replace Caylee
  $50K plastic surgery makeover
  Where she'll live and more

For a little outrage overspill, the Enquirer has a picture of the judge in the case and a story from his mistress blabbing about his cheating.

This is a lot of stories, but only counts as a single week's coverage by my way of counting. We will see if she remains gossip-worthy as the year continues.

Bun in the oven alert: Reese: baby news!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 18 July 2011

Reese Witherspoon was not a big star in the tabloids last year, but her marriage to Jim Toth was a popular topic in early 2011. Of course, the logical progression of these stories is the preparation of the wedding, the wedding itself, the honeymoon and then the pregnancy rumors.

Reese's story is now in the pregnancy rumor phase.

Buns in the oven alert™: More babies for reality TV moms.

Publication: OK!
Date: 18 July 2011

Welcome back to gossip hell, Kourtney Kardashian! Kim has been the vast majority of Kardashian cover stories in the supermarket rags since she announced her wedding plans, but this week OK! tells us Kourtney is pregnant before her wedding with her second child.

This rumor has been floated many times. We'll see if this one pans out sometime in 2012.

OK! also says Kendra Wilkinson is pregnant with a girl. OK! is the nicest of the gossip rags, but they are not the most reliable.

Wills'N'Kate in The New World.

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

Now that the young royals are on this side of the Atlantic, the American gossip rags are all over the story. People mentioned only Kate, but three other mags mentioned the couple. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kate & William American Vacation album
• Globe: William & Kate baby drama
  Too thin royal bride's secret visit to a U.S. fertility clinic -Palace insiders reveal
• Us Weekly: Kate & Will's photo diary
  Secrets of the Royal Visits
  Kate brought 40 outfits!
  Their intimate date - in a log cabin
  She's talking about a baby!

The Globe can't help but be negative, while all the rest of the coverage has been glowing.

Stay classy, Globe!

Let's get the Teen Mom crap out of the way. Because there's a boat load this week.

Publications: In Touch, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If you have been to this blog before, you know how I feel about Teen Mom. It would be nearly impossible for me to be clearer, though I will take a shot at the end of this post. But at the beginning of the year, I promised that any story on the cover of any magazine that mentioned someone or made a verifiable (or falsifiable) prediction would get a mention on this blog.

About the only thing I leave out are health tips and horoscopes on the cover of the Sun.

So here are the headlines, three on the different mags and with three different Teen Moms in focus.

• In Touch: Teen Mom ruined our lives (pictures of Farrah Abraham and Maci Bookout)
  anorexia, addiction and abuse
  living on cigarettes and popcorn to lose weight
  downing pills to mask the pain
  "bribed" to stay on the show
• Us Weekly: I want Kyle's Baby (Maci Bookout)
• OK!: Leah: a new man and a new child

I know I shouldn't harp on this stuff or I will just give myself an aneurysm, but the "bribe" to stay on the show is that these stupid girls - and they are still girls - are being paid the princely sum of $280,000 a season to have their stupid lives turned into fish bowls.

That's an obscene amount of money to pay some little bimbo for the mistake of having a baby before she graduates high school. (And yes, Bristol Palin gets included in this tirade as well, even though MTV isn't paying her.) No defense MTV makes for this show carries a milligram of weight, and the gossip rags that keep printing this shit are equally as guilty.

In a world that makes sense, people wouldn't watch this crap and magazines wouldn't write about it.

Bun in the oven alert™?: Justin and Selena pregnancy scare?!

Publication: Star
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! OK! put the rumor about Selena Gomez being pregnant on the cover two weeks ago, and now Star does the same, putting a "?!" at the end of the sentence to show there is significant doubt.

Vanity Fair put Young Master Bieber on the cover last month and the issue didn't sell well. We can only hope Justin's young fans only pay attention to the modern equivalents of Tiger Beat and not to grown-up gossip rags, else many of them are going to be grief stricken.

Bun in the oven alert™: Casey Anthony is pregnant!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 11 July 2011

The real news about Casey Anthony is the jury is now deliberating in her murder case. The probably not real news is that she is pregnant, according to the not very reliable Enquirer.

Since this statement was made in July, I won't be checking its veracity until next March, but my guess is it's nonsense.

Getting the Teen Mom stuff out of the way for 11 July.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 July 2011

Three Teen Mom stories this week, two about the failure named Amber Portwood and one about the relative success named Catelynn Lowell. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Losing Leah: After rehab, Amber fears she'll never see her baby again.
• In Touch: Amber's tears: "My baby doesn't know me"
• Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom Catelynn: College, wedding and babies
  
  

Bun in the oven alert™?: Joran van der Sloot gets a girl pregnant in jail!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

The last Joran van der Sloot update was back in April, but this week the Globe tells us her has gotten a girl pregnant while in jail in Peru. They also identify his as "Natalee's killer", a reasonable assumption but not a thing ever proved in court.

The Globe is proud that this is a "world exclusive". Of course, when you make stuff up, it's easier to have world exclusives.

Bun in the oven alert™?: Selena & Justin pregnancy rumors

Publication: OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

OK! prints a story about the rumors that Selena Gomez' recent hospital visit might have been due to pregnancy. I have not seen the official denials online yet.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kardashians ripped apart by off-camera scandals!

Publication: Star
Date: 4 July 2011

Kourtney and Khloe have been nearly forgotten by the supermarket rags for awhile, even before Kim announced her wedding and sucked all the air out of the room. But this week, Star puts all three on the cover with plenty of dish to go around. Here are the headlines.

• New sex tape
• Custody battle
• Secret pregnancy
• Plus: the truth about their plastic surgery

The custody battle would have to be Kourtney, since she's the only one who has a kid, but the other stories could be about any of the three. You'll have to buy the magazine yourself to find out, since I don't open them up on general principles.

Buns in the oven alert™: Fresh horses for my men and babies for all the Kardashians!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 June 2011

Weekly Life & Style gives most of the cover to all three Kardashian sisters. While Kim is getting married and thereby sucking up most of the oxygen out of the room, Weekly Life & Style tells us the other two are pregnant. Here are the headlines.

• Fertility doctor makes Khloe's baby dream come true
• Kourtney: Another baby before her wedding!
  
  

Best wishes to all concerned, with a proviso that every female Kardashian above the age of consent and younger than the age of menopause has allegedly been pregnant several times in the past eighteen months.

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™ and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim's wedding and pregnancy news.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

After People's big scoop last week of announcing the official engagement of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, a passel of the non-AMI tabloids have jumped on the bandwagon this week. In fact, only Us Weekly declined to join in on the fun. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Kim's bridezilla demands
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $3 million summer wedding
• OK!: Kim's wedding surprise
  I'm having a baby!
  She reveals her big news to family and friends.
  An overjoyed Kim says, "I can't stop crying"

Kim has already denied the pregnancy rumor.

Note: The picture of Kim in the wedding dress is from last year when she was engaged to Reggie Bush. She was trying on her mom's old dress.

Buns in the oven alert™: Scandalized teacher expecting twins.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 30 May 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Debra LaFave! The Enquirer wants us to know the teacher who convicted of having sex with a 14 year old student in 2004 when she was 23 is now expecting twins. No word as to who the father is.

Let's get the Teen Mom crap out of the way early.

Publication: OK!
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The good news is that only one gossip rag has Teen Mom crap on their cover this week. The bad news is that we can't get rid of this plague, which among reality TV shows is only surpassed by Dancing With The Stars for interest from the Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

I don't watch Dancing With The Stars, but at least I understand how someone could watch it. This show's appeal mystifies me completely. Anyway, here are the headlines.

• Leah's shock: Another Teen Mom Baby
  exclusive interview
  PLUS Corey starts a second family with a new woman and child
  Jenelle's rehab diary: "It's a nightmare."
  

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™ and No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim's wedding and pregnancy drama.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 23 May 2011

The Star goes with the headline "Kim's wedding and pregnancy drama!"

Easy rule of thumb. Any time the word drama is used on a gossip rag cover, nothing is actually happening. She's not getting married any time soon and she's not pregnant.

Non scoop of the week! Katie Holmes is pregnant with her second child.

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! OK!, easily the nicest but hardly the most reliable of the gossip rags, goes big with the story that Katie Holmes is pregnant. Here are the headlines.

• Katie: It's official!
• "Yes, I'm pregnant!"
• A telltale bump, prenatal vitamins - now she tells friends:
• Suri will finally be a big sister

Representatives for Ms. Holmes have already denied the story. This is the fifth story of her being pregnant in the last year and a half.

Note that Star magazine lied about Katie Holmes, she sued them and they settled out of court for a loss, having to apologize and pay. The important difference between that lie and this lie is that Star implied Katie was a drug addict, and drug addicts find it hard to get work. OK! is lying about a pregnancy, and having kids is not a barrier to employment, so I don't expect the lawyers to give OK! a call, even though they got this one wrong.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen's secret lover tells all!

Publication: Star
Date: 16 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Lots of stuff has happened in the world since the last time the supermarket rags came out, and there are stories about many of those events. But let's start the week with the story where nothing really happens and the gossip rags just make things up, Jennifer Aniston's love life.

There's a small picture of Jen and a guy named Brian. Looking online, she dated a guy named Brian Bouma about three years ago, but no gossip about them since, so it may not be the same Brian. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Star world exclusive interview
• She's having a baby!
• Why she waited so long
• How Brad changed her forever
  

This is not the first time the supermarket rags have told false stories about Jennifer Aniston's ovaries, so I can wait until the end of the year review when this story will be eight months old to figure out if this one is true or false.