Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: This week's stories about The Bachelorette.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Us Weekly, National Enquirer
Date: 8 August 2011

The stories this week about The Bachelorette either focus on Ashley or on J.P. Here are the headlines about her.

• National Enquirer: Bachelorette was rigged!
  Ashley's fake script and tears
• Us Weekly: Bachelorette Exclusive: Ashley says yes!
  

And the ones about J.P.

• OK!: The Bachelorette: J.P.'s secrets revealed
• In Touch: JP's secret double life
  Ashley fooled again!
  He's still madly in love with his ex, Stephanie
  A shocking celeb hook-up
  The real reason he went on the show
  Why marrying him could be Ashley's worst mistake ever!
  

This is why the gossip rags love the reality shows. They can write whatever they want without fear of losing access.

Breaking news: Kim Kardashian wedding date set for August 20.

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 29 July 2011

TMZ publishes a picture of a wedding invitation for Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. The date is Saturday, August 20, three weeks from tomorrow. It says black tie.

We'll see soon enough if this is the real deal or not.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Rich People are Rich: This week's Jen and Justin news.

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two new stories about the Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux romance are in the supermarket rags this week, and they both point in the same positive direction. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Jen & Justin: $60 million mansion
• Star: Jen and Justin set the date (Exclusive)

I don't know if any of the stories can be trusted, but I do know with recent pictures, Justin has finally shaved off that ridiculous beard.

It may be his "deer in the headlights" look, but I'm going to have to get used to this. I imagine Jen feels the same.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Kim picks the dress.

Publication: OK!
Date: 1 August 2011

Kim Kardashian's upcoming wedding is the only story from that family the Only Ten Magazines That Matter are interested in right now. This cover is from the middle of March before the official announcement was given to People, when OK! said she would be wearing Vera Wang.

They also said the wedding would rival William and Kate's, but I think we all know that's far fetched.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: A proposal on The Bachelorette

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 1 August 2011

Because the break-up of J. Lo and Marc Anthony took up so much space this week, other stories get short shrift. No Teen Mom, thank Odin, Krishna and the little baby Jebus, and only one update on the latest season of The Bachelorette. Here are the headlines from Weekly Life & Style.

• Ashley says yes in Fiji
• 3.5 carat ring from her dream guy
• She gushes to Life and Style "I'M SO HAPPY"
• JP says "I love you"
• Her romantic date with Ben F.

I can see why she's so happy. She gets to travel, she got a ring from a guy who tells her he loves her, AND she still gets to have romantic dates with other guys.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Bride wars: Kim vs. Jess!

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Could we go a whole week Kardashian free in the The Only Ten Magazines That Matter? Well, it is technically possible, it's just damned rare. We got as close to zero as we can without actually being zero when there is just a half a story about Kim Kardashian having a "bride war".

The other combatant is Jessica Simpson, so it kinda counts like half a story for each.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: BrAngelina getting married!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

Us Weekly joins the chorus of gossip rags saying BrAngelina will finally tie the knot. The headline reads "Finally! Why Angelina and Brad decided to make it official this summer."

In Touch had stories that they are already married at the beginning of the year. OK! has said they would marry three times this year. People, the reliable one, reported that Brad said "we might marry".

As usual, the couple does not bother confirming or denying anything.

She Fought The Law (and won) Alert™: A passel of Casey Anthony stories.

Publications: National Enquirer, National Examiner, Globe, Star, In Touch
Date: 25 July 2010

If we ignore the Sun, which is usually about the end of the world, the five meanest gossip rags are the other four published by AMI (National Enquirer, the low rent Examiner, Globe, Star) and In Touch. All five of those have Casey Anthony stories this week. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Casey and her lawyer: getting physical!
• National Examiner: Casey Anthony verdict: what do you think?
• Globe: Casey Anthony marked for death!
  Chilling threat targets Monster Mom
• Star: Casey Anthony ca$hing in (OUTRAGE!)
• National Enquirer: Casey Anthony Wedding Bombshell
  Secret new life of America's most hated woman
  Another baby to replace Caylee
  $50K plastic surgery makeover
  Where she'll live and more

For a little outrage overspill, the Enquirer has a picture of the judge in the case and a story from his mistress blabbing about his cheating.

This is a lot of stories, but only counts as a single week's coverage by my way of counting. We will see if she remains gossip-worthy as the year continues.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Three big weddings.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 18 July 2011

Three weddings get mentions on the cover of Weekly Life & Style this week.

Kate Moss married some rock star.

Prince Albert II of Monaco turned an South African swimmer into a princess.

His outfit is pretty fabulous, too. From what I've heard, this was not by accident.

And Ugly Betty star America Ferrera made a lovely bride as well.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: All the Kim Kardashian stories for the week.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Like Wills'N'Kate, Kim Kardashian is getting the "at least one story a week" treatment in the supermarket rags before her marriage. Unlike Wills'N'Kate, the date has not been set yet, though the rumors are it will be this summer, which means less than three months away. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: First look at Kim's wedding dress
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding panic!
  Last minute doubts
  family fights
  guest-list snubs
  the dress doesn't fit - 15 lbs. to lose!
  Did she jump into this too soon?

This follows the general pattern of the past few weeks. OK! has had headlines that paint the situation in a positive light, why Weekly Life & Style has been say it's going to be a train wreck.

Let me say this. Kris Humphries is a young millionaire in top physical condition having sex with Kim Kardashian, and I'm starting to feel pity for the guy.

How wrong is that?

Damn You Skinny Alert™ in the future: Kim promises to be a size 2 bride.

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 July 2011

The rest of the Kardashian family is taking a back seat to Kim now that she's announced she's getting married. OK! says she will be in a size 2 wedding dress.

I know men's suits have extra instructions, like a 42 Long. Is there such a thing as a 2 Wide dress?

Obviously, Kim does not shop off the rack.

Getting the Teen Mom stuff out of the way for 11 July.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 July 2011

Three Teen Mom stories this week, two about the failure named Amber Portwood and one about the relative success named Catelynn Lowell. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Losing Leah: After rehab, Amber fears she'll never see her baby again.
• In Touch: Amber's tears: "My baby doesn't know me"
• Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom Catelynn: College, wedding and babies
  
  

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Jessica Simpson to wed in Hawaii.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 July 2011

Back in December, there were a bunch of stories about Jessica Simpson "racing to the altar". Here it is July and the wedding is still yet to come, so it seems like a pretty leisurely "race". The latest detail is the wedding will take place in Hawaii.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Love Bird Alert™ and hussy alert: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Star, In Touch
Date: 11 July 2011

Eventually, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will be together long enough to have a nice picture of them together. As it stands, they are always being photobombed in one way or another. (The person you can see who seems to be annoying them is Jason Sudelkis.)

In any case, there are three stories in the supermaket rags about them this week. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen & Justin Romantic NYC weekend
• In Touch: Justin & Jen talking marriage
• Star: Justin & Jen: his jilted ex speaks out

Ah, the good old predictable Star. No punch bowl is complete unless there's a turd in it.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: More stories about Kim the Bridezilla.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories about bride to be Kim Kardashian this week. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $177,000 registry
• OK! Bigger than the Royals!
  Kim's $10 Million wedding
  The breathtaking gown, the stunning jewels and the surprise no one expected!
  "I've always dreamed of a big wedding"

Point of order. A $10 million wedding is a huge capital outlay, but no way in hell will it match what Wills'N'Kate did.

Just sayin'.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Wedding #3 for Britney.

Publication: Star
Date: 27 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Britney Spears used to be a staple of American gossip, but her act got a little stale. She gets more cover stories than Jennifer Lopez, for example, though J. Lo has had more coverage since she started working on American False Idol. Neither of them gets as many covers as Camilla Parker-Bowles, who gets to play the wicked stepmother to Wills'N'Kate, our new Prince Charming and his beloved.

In any case, Star says Brit is getting married for the third time. These reports were denied earlier this month.

All this week's news about Kim Kardashian and the wedding.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 27 June 2011

Just in case you are new to this blog and don't understand the pecking order in the supermarket gossip world, here's the basic outline.

The Evil: American Media Inc. (AMI) owns the Enquirer, Star, Globe, National Examiner and Sun. The first four are nasty and the last one is just silly, predicting the end of the world at least four times a year.

The not so evil: The other five supermarket rags are somewhat less nasty. The absolute top of the table is People, and they set trends. The other four, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch and Us Weekly, are eating the scraps from the table that People leaves behind. There is not one single owner for all five of these magazines, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are published by the German consortium Bauer.

People broke the story of Kim Kardashian's engagement in an exclusive. They will likely not mention her again until she walks down the aisle. The other four are all over her large and shapely booty like white on rice. Here are the stories.

• In Touch: Kim & Kris Fight over the wedding
• OK!: Kim sets record straight
  "I did not cheat on Kris"
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding in crisis
  no date set
  invites on hold
• Us Weekly: Kim & Kris :Our love was tested

As often happens, the stories are pointing in multiple different directions. The only thing that can be relied on in a situation like this is that the story is far from over.

Getting the inevitable Teen Mom stuff out of the way yet again.

Publication: OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

Teen Mom, or as i like to call it, The Plague That Did Not Pass Over, gets more ink on the cover of OK! this week. Here are the headlines.

• Maci: I'm finally a bride
  Excited Maci exclaims, "This is the happiest day of my life!"
  Leah gets custody of the twins

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Rob and Kirsten's Twilight wedding.

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 June 2011

Last year, OK! had a seriously delusional person writing their cover copy. Anything that was happening to the characters from Twilight was happening in the lives of the actors. It wasn't Edward and Bella getting married, it was Rob and Kristen. Now at least, they seem to understand the difference between the characters and actors.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Gossip-worthy brides get slim for their big days

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

It's every girl's special day. No, I don't mean the release on DVD of her sex tape, I'm talking about her wedding! And when walking down the aisle, much like on the sex tape, no young woman wants everyone thinking "Damn! She should lay off the cheeseburgers!"

So both Weekly Life & Style and OK! tell us about Kim Kardashian, this week's second biggest star in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter behind Bachelorette Ashley, doing her best to get in porn star shape for that special night when she and her new husband will do whatever they have been doing for the past several months now.

OK! also mentions Jessica Simpson getting trim for her trip down the aisle.

From pictures I've seen recently, she has more work to do than Kim K. does.

I'm cruel, but fair.