Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: This week's stories about The Bachelorette.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Us Weekly, National Enquirer
Date: 8 August 2011

The stories this week about The Bachelorette either focus on Ashley or on J.P. Here are the headlines about her.

• National Enquirer: Bachelorette was rigged!
  Ashley's fake script and tears
• Us Weekly: Bachelorette Exclusive: Ashley says yes!
  

And the ones about J.P.

• OK!: The Bachelorette: J.P.'s secrets revealed
• In Touch: JP's secret double life
  Ashley fooled again!
  He's still madly in love with his ex, Stephanie
  A shocking celeb hook-up
  The real reason he went on the show
  Why marrying him could be Ashley's worst mistake ever!
  

This is why the gossip rags love the reality shows. They can write whatever they want without fear of losing access.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: J. Lo alone and... back together with Ben Affleck?

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! So, now that J. Lo and Marc Anthony are no more, do we care about how he's doing?

Please. Get serious. It's all J. Lo all the time on the covers of the magazines this week. Here are the stories about her whooping it up.

• People: J. Lo Solo: Her birthday without Marc
• Us Weekly: J.Lo Parties Post Split
• Weekly Life & Style: J. Lo's revenge

And then there's OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags if not the most reliable, They say she's going to get back together with Ben Affleck.

• OK!: The plan to get Ben and J. Lo back together!
  Inside their private talks!
  All the intimate details
  Even J. Lo's mom is in on it!

Affleck isn't a fixture in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter, but there have been some stories about trouble in his marriage to Jennifer Garner.

Even if they are true, let me say this.

Ben. Buddy. I know we've never met and it's exceedingly unlikely you'll ever read this, but going back to J. Lo would be the worst move of your career, and I'm including Gigli and Smokin' Aces.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Stories of Amy Winehouse's death.

Publications: People, National Enquirer, Star, Us Weekly, In Touch, OK!
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Amy Winehouse was a fixture in the British tabloids, but she was barely noticed in recent years on this side of the Atlantic until she died last week. Now there are six cover stories about her. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Amy Winehouse's tragic death
  Her Last Interview (Exclusive)
• Us Weekly: Amy Winehouse - Her Lonely Last Days
• In Touch: Amy Winehouse - Her Final Interview
• Star: Amy Winehouse - Fight before fatal drug binge
• People: Amy Winehouse dead at 27
  Talent and Tragedy
  Her Final Days
  The singer's anguished life and why those who loved her could not prevent her tragic death
  "It was only a matter of time", said her mom
• National Enquirer: Amy Winehouse was pregnant when she died!

Stay classy, Enquirer!

Best wishes to the family and friends of Amy Winehouse, from a fan.

On the rocks alert: The J. Lo - Marc Anthony break-up takes center stage.

Publications: People, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Star, Us Weekly, National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Easily the biggest story of the week is the divorce of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony with mentions on seven of ten supermarket rag covers. Here are the headlines.

• People: : J. Lo and Marc Anthony: Their marriage explodes
  The real story
  Their constant fighting
  rumors of infidelity
  jealousy issues
  what's next?
• OK!: J Lo's divorce shocker!
  Marc's been seeing his sexy ex-wife!
• In Touch: J. Lo's agony
  Marc's jealous rage
• Star: Inside J. Lo's bitter $250 million divorce
  Sexless nights
  Other women, other men
  Final screaming match
• Weekly Life & Style: $300 M divorce
  The cheating rumors that tore them apart
• Us Weekly: Cheating and Lies
  Her side of the story
  Marc caught with stewardess
  Screaming fights about flirting with costars
  A secret e-mail to Ben Affleck
  His desperate need to control her
• National Enquirer: J. Lo caught!
  Did this photo end their marriage?
  

Bells Done Rung™ Alert: The wedding of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo got married in a quiet little ceremony that will be aired of TLC, a cable outfit that used to be The Learning Channel. They have since learned that dumb reality TV shows do better than actual educational stuff, so they give us this. Here are the headlines.

• People: Nick & Vanessa's wedding photos
  (Only in People)
• Weekly Life & Style: Nick & Vanessa's beach wedding
• Us Weekly: Nick & Vanessa's private island Wedding
  
• OK!: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married
  

OK! did not have any cover art, which is an odd decision because they are a cute couple.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Love Bird Alert™:Bachelor Brad wants Emily back!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

The supermarket rags have lost interest in the current season of The Bachelorette, but they are still harping on Brad and Emily from earlier this year.

She dumped him. Read any of the mags. Dumped, dumped, dumped.

He wants her back.

Dude, what part of "ship has sailed" don't you understand?

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: BrAngelina getting married!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

Us Weekly joins the chorus of gossip rags saying BrAngelina will finally tie the knot. The headline reads "Finally! Why Angelina and Brad decided to make it official this summer."

In Touch had stories that they are already married at the beginning of the year. OK! has said they would marry three times this year. People, the reliable one, reported that Brad said "we might marry".

As usual, the couple does not bother confirming or denying anything.

Rich people are rich: Royal visit stories.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The are a lot of stories about Wills or Kate or both this week, but only two focus on the visit that just ended. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Inside the royal visit
  all the photos
• People: Dazzling! Will & Kate Conquer America
  14 pages of Royal Tour photos
  Gowns! Glamour! Private moments!

Love Bird Alert™:Charlize and Ryan secretly dating

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! There are two different stories about Ryan Reynold this week in the supermarket rags, and I think these aren't planted crap hoping to boost the box office of Green Lantern, which is now a month old and about to slip out of the top ten. No, the gossip rags have decided to turn Mr. Reynolds into a man slut along the lines of Gerard Butler.

Welcome to gossip hell, Charlize Theron! Us Weekly tells us that Ryan is secretly dating the South African born beauty. This is her first mention on the cover of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter in two years. In the post just below this one, Weekly Life & Style says Reynolds is trying to get back with his ex Scarlett Johansson.

This is classic man slut behavior, or more likely, a classic example of the gossip rags trying to turn a guy into a man slut. It's a pretty good bet when two stories like this appear in the same week, there are going to be more on the way.

Emily says "Make me Bachelorette!"

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Emily, the woman who accepted Bachelor Brad's on-air proposal only to dump him a few weeks later, wants to be the star of the next installment of The Bachelorette, where she gets to do the choosing.

Personally, I want her and all her ilk to be shipped to Monster Island where they can be chased and hopefully eaten by giant beasts from Japanese movies.

Sadly, her wish is much more likely to be granted than mine is.

Wills'N'Kate in The New World.

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

Now that the young royals are on this side of the Atlantic, the American gossip rags are all over the story. People mentioned only Kate, but three other mags mentioned the couple. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kate & William American Vacation album
• Globe: William & Kate baby drama
  Too thin royal bride's secret visit to a U.S. fertility clinic -Palace insiders reveal
• Us Weekly: Kate & Will's photo diary
  Secrets of the Royal Visits
  Kate brought 40 outfits!
  Their intimate date - in a log cabin
  She's talking about a baby!

The Globe can't help but be negative, while all the rest of the coverage has been glowing.

Stay classy, Globe!

Let's get the Teen Mom crap out of the way. Because there's a boat load this week.

Publications: In Touch, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If you have been to this blog before, you know how I feel about Teen Mom. It would be nearly impossible for me to be clearer, though I will take a shot at the end of this post. But at the beginning of the year, I promised that any story on the cover of any magazine that mentioned someone or made a verifiable (or falsifiable) prediction would get a mention on this blog.

About the only thing I leave out are health tips and horoscopes on the cover of the Sun.

So here are the headlines, three on the different mags and with three different Teen Moms in focus.

• In Touch: Teen Mom ruined our lives (pictures of Farrah Abraham and Maci Bookout)
  anorexia, addiction and abuse
  living on cigarettes and popcorn to lose weight
  downing pills to mask the pain
  "bribed" to stay on the show
• Us Weekly: I want Kyle's Baby (Maci Bookout)
• OK!: Leah: a new man and a new child

I know I shouldn't harp on this stuff or I will just give myself an aneurysm, but the "bribe" to stay on the show is that these stupid girls - and they are still girls - are being paid the princely sum of $280,000 a season to have their stupid lives turned into fish bowls.

That's an obscene amount of money to pay some little bimbo for the mistake of having a baby before she graduates high school. (And yes, Bristol Palin gets included in this tirade as well, even though MTV isn't paying her.) No defense MTV makes for this show carries a milligram of weight, and the gossip rags that keep printing this shit are equally as guilty.

In a world that makes sense, people wouldn't watch this crap and magazines wouldn't write about it.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Justin and Jessica dating again!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Us Weekly has a headline with no artwork, so I don't include a picture either. In this case, I think they don't have artwork not to be cheap, but to have kind of a "guess who?" situation. When they write "Justin and Jessica dating again!", you have to ask "Which Justin?" and "Which Jessica?"

These are very popular names in the gossip world.

We can eliminate Justin Theroux and Justin Bieber, since neither of them has a particularly famous ex-girlfriend. This leaves us with Justin Timberlake, who has squired many well known women, but the most obviously Jessica would be Jessica Biel in this case.

No need to be amazed, Watson. It was elementary.

On the rocks alert: Lauren Conrad and Kyle are no more.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 11 July 2011

Us tells it readers about the "shocking split!" between Lauren Conrad and her longtime boyfriend Kyle Howard. The headline reads "She believed Kyle was The One, but after three years and no ring, Conrad finally got the courage to say goodbye."

I had kinda sorta heard of her, but I had no idea who he was and I still don't.

Blake says "Miranda saved me."

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 11 July 2011

Blake Shelton is on the cover of Us Weekly saying that marriage to his new bride Miranda Lambert saved him. While they do not mention it on the cover, the gossip rag's interest in him probably linked to the fact he is on the new hit show The Voice.

This week's drama from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 11 July 2011

The Real Housewives franchise always has a selection of women, but each season someone turns out to be Queen Bitch and gets all the tabloid headlines. In this season of the New Jersey story, it's Teresa Giudice. The Queen Bitch usually need an aggrieved adversary, and that role is being played by Melissa Gorga. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Baby boy for Teresa
  Pregnancy bombshell
  With her husband facing prison, she shares her bittersweet news
  crazy cravings and terrified of gaining 50 pounds again
  Her fears over raising 5 kids alone
  PLUS: the baby's name - revealed!
• Us Weekly: Melissa hurt by Teresa's lies
• OK! As husband Joe faces jail, Teresa pursues a new man

Bundle of Joy Alert: Meet Alicia Silverstone's baby boy!

(photo by Regine Mahoux/Getty)
Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 11 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to gossip hell, Alicia Silverstone! Actually, she's in the nicest section of the supermarket rag world, the rooms reserved for recent moms and their adorable babies. The boy's name is Bear Blu Jarecki, which he can legally have changed sometime in the 2030s when he reaches the age of consent, but by then the damage will have already been done.

Best wishes to the happy family.

All the Bachelorette stuff for 4 July.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 4 July 2011

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter love the Bachelor franchise, and this season's big drama is about Ashley and Bentley. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Ashley's mistake Having Sex With Bentley
• Us Weekly: Bentley's cruel return
• Weekly Life & Style: Ashley tortured for her looks
  After being called 'ugly' and 'flat'. Ashley opens up about her insecurities and how her fiance made her feel sexy again
  (Bachelorette exclusive)
  plus: How she lost 10 lbs. for the wedding

As you can see, in Touch and Us Weekly just did drive-by reporting, while Weekly Life & Style devoted most of the cover to this.

Love Bird Alert™: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

Jennifer Aniston's love life is still an evergreen story in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and now that they all agree she has a new fella, expect her to get cover stories all throughout the summer. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen's romance heats up
• OK!: Jen & Justin engagement news
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen: "I am not a home wrecker!"
• Us Weekly: How Jen stole her man
  They're wearing matching rings and he's moved in - Jen's falling hard and fast for Justin Theroux. But did she pull an Angelina to find her new love?

A couple notes. People avoids the homewrecker angle on the cover. They use the phrase "heats up" a lot. A few months back, George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis were "heating up", and you can see how much that means.

OK!, the magazine that jumps the gun in nearly every situation, already has them engaged. The other two are just being mean.

I said that Jen's love life is a favorite story in the gossip rags and obviously it is, but it's also obvious that she is interesting because her life brushed up against Angelina Jolie, the Most Interesting Woman In The World as far as the gossip industry is concerned. Us Weekly reminds us of this obvious fact in the headline, mentioning Angie when she is nowhere near this story.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: How Khloe lost 10 lbs.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 July 2011

Yet again, Khloe Kardashian makes the cover of a supermarket rag for losing ten pounds. The last time was in April 2010. Most of the stories in the past six months for Khloe have been pregnancy rumors, all so far unfounded.