Annoying label bookkeeping #14

This is a link to the story above, made necessary by too many labels.

Rich people are rich: Royal visit stories.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The are a lot of stories about Wills or Kate or both this week, but only two focus on the visit that just ended. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Inside the royal visit
  all the photos
• People: Dazzling! Will & Kate Conquer America
  14 pages of Royal Tour photos
  Gowns! Glamour! Private moments!

Wills'N'Kate in The New World.

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

Now that the young royals are on this side of the Atlantic, the American gossip rags are all over the story. People mentioned only Kate, but three other mags mentioned the couple. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kate & William American Vacation album
• Globe: William & Kate baby drama
  Too thin royal bride's secret visit to a U.S. fertility clinic -Palace insiders reveal
• Us Weekly: Kate & Will's photo diary
  Secrets of the Royal Visits
  Kate brought 40 outfits!
  Their intimate date - in a log cabin
  She's talking about a baby!

The Globe can't help but be negative, while all the rest of the coverage has been glowing.

Stay classy, Globe!

Kate's heart scare! William battles to save her.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The low rent Examiner wants us to believe that Princess Catherine's life is in danger and Wiliam is dashing to her rescue.

The truly hard thing to believe here is that the low rent Examiner has any inside information at all.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina snubs Wills'N'Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! You know Wills'N'Kate, the cute couple from across the pond that are going to be King and Queen of the United Kingdom one day? Yeah, I thought you might remember.

Well, according to the Globe, they are itty bitty bugs compared to the true queen of the gossip world right now, Angelina Jolie. They asked for a little sitdown for a parlay, and she was like all "Whatever, I'm busy! Why don't you try Jennifer Aniston or Julia Roberts or one of the other old wannabes?" (Not an actual quote.)

Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong!

All this week's news about Wills'N'Kate

Publications: Globe, People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

The Royal Couple are still a hot topic in the gossip rags, and they will probably stay that way as long as Kate is pretty, which could be quite a while. Here are the positive headlines.

People: The Princess Diaries
In her new role as duchess and wife, Kate dazzles the world with her real-girl glamour. Plus the couple pick a palace.

Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate: Inside their palace

But since every punch bowl is just another urinal to the dogs in the AMI kennel, here's the Globe's take on the situation.

Globe: As pressure mounts for Royal baby…
William's wife snaps!
Kate: "Now I know how Diana felt"
Secret letters hide shocking torment

Love Bird Alert™: Stories of wedded bliss about Wills'N'Kate.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 20 June 2011

Two stories about the Royal Couple this week, neither of them in the mean magazines owned by AMI, so both have a positive spin. Here are the headlines.

• People: Kate & Will - The newlyweds step out!
• Us Weekly: Their new home! Will & Kate's Royal Life
  

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Princess Kate's revenge on backstabbing Camilla.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

Today, we catch up on the folks who are in the top ten for number of stories in 2011. The Globe tells us Princess Katherine has taken off the tiara and is checking out how much damage she can do with the scepter. According to this story, she's told father-in-law Charles to divorce Camilla and William has a "shocking reaction".

More honeymoon stories about Wills'N'Kate.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Globe
Date: 30 May 2011

Plenty of stories this week about the young royals, with three in particular about their honeymoon. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate dream honeymoon photos
• Us Weekly: Their secret honeymoon
• Globe: Wills'N'Kate's honeymoon heartbreak
  Why dream trip turned into nightmare

Can you guess which one of these magazines has more mean stories than the others on average? (Hint: not a trick question.)

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton can't have a baby! Again.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 30 May 2011

Often, when a story is a repeat of something some gossip rag has already said, I don't make it a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, but this one is an exception for two reasons. The last time this rumor was reported, it won as Meanest Story of the Week, and more notably, the story has migrated from the AMI kennel to the gossip rags that are generally nicer and at least a little more reliable. Here are the headlines.

• Will & Kate's baby heartbreak
• Royal doctor confirms: She can't get pregnant
• The devastating news rocks their marriage
• plus: why they can't adopt

Best wishes to the happy couple. I'm not much for predictions, but I predict that by the end of 2012 at the latest, this story will have been proven false.

Love Bird Alert™: Wills'N'Kate's sexy royal honeymoon.

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 May 2011

The royal wedding is still echoing in the halls of the gossip world, but there is only one story about Wills'N'Kate their own bad selves.

OK!, the nicest if not the most reliable of the gossip rags, says they are having a sexy honeymoon. For once, I believe OK!

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bitter Camilla collapses!

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

The Globe covered the Royal Wedding, which is no surprise given how many Brits are currently running the American tabloid industry these days. The difference is that they took this opportunity to once again trash Queen Beeyotch herself, Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• "Now I'll NEVER be queen!" she sobs
• free souvenir pullout

I'm not exactly sure how many people want a free souvenir pullout of Camilla Parker-Bowles sobbing, but then again, I'm not sure who buys the Globe.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Stories about Wills'N'Kate's wedding.

Publications: People, OK!, Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 16 May 2011

This was a week when several things happened that we will remember for a long time, but the most obviously gossipy event was the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The low rent Examiner didn't show up on the racks at my local newsstand this week, so I'll just have to hope it shows up later, but from what I've seen, the dogs in the AMI kennel left the story alone completely or use the event to highlight supporting characters. Here are the headlines from the five magazines that focused on Wills'N'Kate.

• People: William and Catherine Love Reigns!
  72-Page Royal Wedding Album
• OK!: William & Kate: Happily ever after
• In Touch:Secrets of the $60 million wedding
• Weekly Life & Style: Honeymoon on hold Baby on the way
• Us Weekly: Kate's Fairy Tale Wedding
  all the stunning photos
  Will's sweet words at the altar
  behind the scenes with Harry & Pippa
  Inside the private parties

It's too early to tell, but if a new gossip star is born from all this, it could be Kate's sister Pippa.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Stories about Wills'N'Kate a day before the big to-do.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 9 May 2011

I'm a little surprised that only six of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have stories about the royal wedding hitting the newsstands a day before the event. Most notably, People and the Enquirer are maintaining radio silence. I expect at least People will cover the event after the fact.

Here are the headlines about the wedding itself.

• Weekly Life & Style: Wedding of the year
  The ring! The kiss! And William's touching promise to his beautiful bride, Kate.
  Kate honors Diana
• OK!: Royal Wedding!
  The breathtaking dress, cake and flowers
  The tear-filled service & celebrity guests
  Diana would be so proud of her son
  Your personal guide to the historic event
  
  

Fabulous royal photos.

Publication: Star
Date: 2 May 2011

The upcoming royal wedding gets four mentions on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, which means the American supermarket rags think this wedding is almost as important as Reese Witherspoon getting married for the second time or Chelsea Clinton's wedding last year.

The Star is the only dog from the AMI kennel to put a positive spin on the story.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: William's bride rips into Camilla!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

For the Globe, the royal wedding that is coming up next Friday is not about the future of the British monarchy, but the start of a battle royale to see who will become Queen Bitch. Camilla Parker-Bowles may appear to already have the title sewn up, but the younger and prettier soon to be Princess Katherine is showing some spunk. According to the Globe, Kate recently told Camilla "You got rid of Diana, but you won't get rid of me!"

Oh, snap. Oh, no you din't!

It's on like Donkey Kong.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: The rest of the Wills'N'Kate stuff for the week

Publications: People, OK!, National Examiner, In Touch, Globe
Date: 25 April 2011

The royal wedding is just weeks away and the gossip rags are ramping up. A total of six stories this week, including one nominated for Meanest Story of the Week. Here are the other four.

• People: 10 page royal wedding guide (No artwork on cover. Boring.)
  
• Globe: Wills'N'Kate's Shocking blowup - on eve of wedding (It's been done. Boring.)
• National Examiner: Camilla's evil plot to ruin royal wedding
  William rushes to Kate's rescue! (Because of the rescue angle, not nominated for Meanest Story)
• In Touch: Wills'N'Kate ready for baby! (Same idea as the Star's Meanest Story nomination, just not as mean.)
  
• OK!: The latest on the Royal Wedding. [Guess what? OK!'s invited!] (The editorial staff at OK! are nice in a way that reeks of desperation.)

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, we wish the happy couple all the best.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton already pregnant!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 25 April 2011

Now that the royal wedding is at the end of the month and all the rice has been swept up from Reese Witherspoon wedding, (literally true but figuratively, not quite), the American tabloids can now focus on Wills'N'Kate more deeply, which in the case of the dogs in the AMI kennel means they can work harder at making the young couple's life a living hell.

It's an open secret that lack of virginity is not a deal breaker anymore, and no one with a lick of sense thinks Wills'N'Kate have just been holding hands and attending polo matches for the past decade or so, but the Star says they have info from some palace blabbermouth that Kate will walk down the aisle already heavy with child. Just to make it seem more realistic, they add the details that the official announcement will come after the honeymoon and if they have a daughter, they will name her Diana.

Well, if we do have a royal baby in the near future, it won't be hard to do the math to see if this story is bollocks or not. As for now, it gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: William's bride collapses!

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 April 2011

The Royal Wedding is three weeks away, but there has only been sporadic interest from The Only Ten Magazines That Matter over the past few weeks. A lot of the stories this year have been negative, and most of the negative stories are from the Globe. The oddest thing about the story this week is they they call Kate Middleton "William's bride", as though she not quite a celebrity on her own yet. The sub-headlines are:

• palace cover-up on eve of Royal Wedding
• Why Kate's in tears

No mention of the wicked step-mother this time around, at least on the cover.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.