Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Queen orders Camilla to stop bullying Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Sorry for the weird picture. I was trying to find a shot of all three of the women in this story, Liz Windsor, Camilla Parker-Bee-otch and Long Tall Katy all together at once and this is the best I could do.

So, the Queen herself has stomped her mighty hoof and asked for the end of the alleged Camilla-Kate unpleasantness.

Though honestly, let's be fair. if Buckingham Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings, wants to end the Camilla unpleasantness once and for all, it might take a high speed paparazzi chase in a Paris tunnel, if you know what I mean.

We gotta collpser! Camilla's nervous breakdown.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us the Camilla Parker-Bowles is once again upset, or continues to be upset. If we accept the view of the Globe and the low rent Examiner, she's always in a bad mood about something. In any case, here are this week's headlines.

• She collapses in jealous fit over Kate
• "They love her! They hate me!"
  
  

I created a new label this week, "we gotta collapser" specifically for the stories in which people collpse. I went back and re-labeled stories in which variations of the word are used, and this one will be the 23rd time. As you might expect, women do more collapsing than men, delicate little flowers that they are, and while women of child bearing age get more cover stories than older women do by far, about half of the collapsing stories are about women past the age of menopause. For example, this is the third collapse in a year and a half for Camilla, so she's averaging about one every six months.

Meanest story nominee: Kate collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

The Flagship has three stories in one about celebrities in trouble on the cover this week, but because there are so few stories in general - especially because of the J. Lo divorce and the Lachey-Minnillo wedding - all three will get separate treatment.

According to the Enquirer, Kate Middleton collapsed on the recent tour and her husband has ordered bed rest, what with him being an old fashioned future monarch and all.

Lucky he didn't send her to the Tower. He can do that, you know. Sadly, he can't do it to Rupert Murdoch.

(Psych. The royals actually can't do that anymore.)

This is a nominee for Meanest story of the Week.

It's official! William named king!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Once again, the tabloids go forward with the rumor that Charles will be passed over and William will be king after his grandma dies. Note that Betty Windsor is only 85 and her mom lived to be a jillion. It's not a sure thing Charles will outlive her. Actually, it's not a sure thing Wills will outlive her.

That said, having someone pushed out of line for the throne without murder is really rare in British history.

Meanest story nominee: Kate Middleton pregnant AND anorexic!

Publication: Star
Date: 25 July 2011

The Star has a story about Kate Middleton, but it has nothing to do with the visit. Before they were hitched, it was a little rude to say she was already pregnant, and now the rudest stories say she can't get pregnant because she's too skinny.

So Star puts both those threads together and tells us Kate IS pregnant and too skinny at the same time. In what they call a "pregnancy and anorexia shocker!", they say she is 95 lbs. and pregnant. Kate is 5'10" (or 1m 78 tall and weighing 43 kg for my non Yank readers). Some top models are that tall and usually even the way skinny ones are still slightly over 100 pounds.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Kate in Canada!

Publication: People
Date: 18 July 2011

Technically, Kate Middleton is not Princess Catherine but Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. (William is Duke of Cambridge as well as Prince William.) But in the gossip rags, she's just Kate, and she's still getting a lot of press, especially on this first trip to Canada and the U.S. All the other supermarket rags had Wills on the cover with her, but People was focused completely on her, not that guy she's married to who just going to be king one day.

It reminds me of a quip of John F. Kennedy on an overseas trip in 1961, when he told the press he was "the man who accompanied Jacqueline Kennedy to Paris".

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton anorexia shocker!

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

The idea that Kate Middleton is way too skinny is not new to the gossip rags. The Globe reported that she weighed 105 lbs. last summer. I don't know how much she weighs, but she is 5'10" (1m78) and she always looks very trim. I've never seen pictures of her where her legs or arms look like spindles or her skin shows every rib, the way Callista Flockhart or Teri Hatcher have looked from time to time.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Even more stuff about Pippa Middleton.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 23 May 2011

While I didn't watch the Royal Wedding, it's obvious that Pippa Middleton made quite an impression on the public, and The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are giving her the "Who's the NEW girl?" treatment. Here are the headlines.

• People: All About Pippa!
  Princess Kate's stunning sister
  Fun, flirty and famous, the knockout sibling who stole the show
• Us Weekly: Kate & Pippa Family secrets
• How their mom groomed Kate to be a princess
• All about Pippa!
• Her love life, her posh party circle and how she got that body
  

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton can't have a baby!

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 May 2011

As should be expected, this blog is getting a lot of visits right now from people interested in today's royal wedding. Besides this being the happiest day of her life, Kate Middleton is also entered in competition for Meanest Story of the Week.

The tabloids have already floated the rumor that she is getting married pregnant, which is really unlikely if you've seen any recent pictures of her. Now, the Globe is going with a story that she can't get pregnant and calling it a "royal shocker"!

If it was true, this would be much worse news than her going down the aisle to marry a future king with a future king inside her. But this is the Globe, so wondering about the validity of the story is a really big IF.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Stories specifically about Kate Middleton on the day before her wedding.

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly, Star
Date: 9 May 2011

The supermarket rags are full of stories about the Royal Wedding, with many of them focusing on the bride, naturally. Here are those headlines.

• Star: Kate's the boss!
• In Touch: Princess Kate: Wedding dress drama
• Us Weekly: Kate's big day. How she got ready.

There is yet another Kate-centric headline, but it will be included in tomorrow's Meanest Story of the Week line-up.

You So Crazy Alert™: The weirdos on Kate Middleton's side of the aisle.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 2 May 2011

It was Teddy Roosevelt's daughter Alice who got the credit for the quote "If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

She would have loved the National Enquirer.

This week, the Flagship pulled out all the stops and dug up every bit of dirt they could find on the Middleton family. On the cover, they mention a drug addict, a stripper and a cross dresser, and they promise more dirt inside.

Personally, when it comes to the goofy, I think the Windsor family has got them beat.

Rich people are rich:Kate Middleton's $1,000,000 gift from the queen.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 2 May 2011

Nearly forgotten in all the royal wedding gossip is old Liz Windsor, the actual head of the British monarchy. Earlier this year, the low rent Examiner said she would make William king as soon as he married, but that's not how these people roll. Why have only one lavish pointless ceremony when you can have two instead?

In Touch says QE II bought Kate a one million dollar gift.

What she couldn't afford one million pounds?

The old tightwad.