Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Queen orders Camilla to stop bullying Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Sorry for the weird picture. I was trying to find a shot of all three of the women in this story, Liz Windsor, Camilla Parker-Bee-otch and Long Tall Katy all together at once and this is the best I could do.

So, the Queen herself has stomped her mighty hoof and asked for the end of the alleged Camilla-Kate unpleasantness.

Though honestly, let's be fair. if Buckingham Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings, wants to end the Camilla unpleasantness once and for all, it might take a high speed paparazzi chase in a Paris tunnel, if you know what I mean.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina targets Jen's new man.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Yet again, the supermarket rags want us to believe that making Jennifer Aniston's life a misery is Job One for Angelina Jolie, the hussy who stole Brad Pitt away all those years ago. "Jen's New Man" is mentioned in the headline, but Justin Theroux does not get artwork or even a mention by name, so I'm not giving him a label on this post.

If you read the gossip rags enough, you know that the focus is really on the women, and guys are just accessories for the most part.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Goldie Hawn trashed by her ex-husband

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

It sometimes feels like there are only two choices in the gossip rags. News about reality TV stars who have never done anything interesting in their entire lives or the Hey Old Timer gossip about people whose best work is twenty to thirty years in the past.

As little as I like the low rent Examiner, at least they aren't yapping about Teen Mom and such all the time. Instead, they re listening to some ex-husband of Goldie Hawn's who has an axe to grind, blabbing about whatever sex and drugs she did back in the day.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Soap fans attack Oprah!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

The Globe promises to tell why soap opera fans are furious with the Queen of Daytime TV. It probably has something to do with changing demographics and the relative costs of production of talk shows vs. daytime dramas.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Hulk Hogan's ex-wife writes a tell all book!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Hulk Hogan has had a reality TV show for a while now, but in 2010 had no appearances on the covers of the supermarket rags. Now he's on his second cover in as many weeks, this time because his ex-wife Linda has written that favorite thing in the gossip world, the "tell all book". The Globe says it's full of sex, drugs and lies, and for once, I believe them. She's exactly the kind of person who would write a tell all book.

For example, there was a story a year ago claiming a tell all book from Tipper Gore would send Al to jail. Tipper is exactly the kind of person NOT to write a tell all book.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Brad hurts Jen again!

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 July 2011

OK!, a magazine that usually goes for upbeat stories, has the headline "News alert! Brad hurts Jen again!" this week.

It's the "News Alert!" part that makes it comedy gold.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina snubs Wills'N'Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! You know Wills'N'Kate, the cute couple from across the pond that are going to be King and Queen of the United Kingdom one day? Yeah, I thought you might remember.

Well, according to the Globe, they are itty bitty bugs compared to the true queen of the gossip world right now, Angelina Jolie. They asked for a little sitdown for a parlay, and she was like all "Whatever, I'm busy! Why don't you try Jennifer Aniston or Julia Roberts or one of the other old wannabes?" (Not an actual quote.)

Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong!

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Nancy Reagan collapses as daughter poses nude!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Patti Davis! The 58 year old daughter of Ronald and Nancy Reagan is obviously upset that her brother Ron could give mom an aneurysm with his statement that Dad had Alzheimer's while in office, so she tries to give Nancy Dearest a full myocardial infarction by posing nude.

The low rent Examiner says the stunt had its intended effect and Nancy collapsed.

Stuff is always ruining her life. She's such a drama queen. Hon, just realize your kids hate you and move on with your life.

Karma's a bitch and so are you. Deal.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: What tore Jen and Courteney apart!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 13 June 2011

Back in April, there were several stories about Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox fighting over a guy named Josh Hopkins. Now, the gossip rags have Jen paired off with Justin Theroux, but Us Weekly wants us to know the short lived romance has spawned a long term rift between the two actresses who have known each other for about half their lifetimes.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Princess Kate's revenge on backstabbing Camilla.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

Today, we catch up on the folks who are in the top ten for number of stories in 2011. The Globe tells us Princess Katherine has taken off the tiara and is checking out how much damage she can do with the scepter. According to this story, she's told father-in-law Charles to divorce Camilla and William has a "shocking reaction".

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina tells Chaz Bono to "leave Shiloh alone!"

Publication: OK!
Date: 30 May 2011

There's plenty of stuff about the Jolie-Pitt brood in the gossip rags this week. OK! has Angelina finally reacting to Chaz Bono's request to meet with little tomboy Shiloh, with the simple answer "not only no, but hell no".

My only comment is that Shiloh really looks like her daddy in that picture. Of course, whether she looked like dad or mom, she's in a win-win situation, right?

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Ashton Kutcher vs. Charlie Sheen.

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 30 May 2011

The producers of Two and a Half Men have announced the show will continue with Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen. As you can imagine, Charlie took this news with all the level headed goodwill towards his fellow human beings he has always shown in every situation, public and private. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Charlie threatens Ashton!
• Us Weekly: Ashton vs. Charlie

Doesn't fame sound like the funnest thing ever? Aren't we lucky to live in a society where fame is only awarded to the best humanity can offer?

Those questions are rhetorical. You don't have to answer, but you can if you want.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Real Housewives' Teresa vs. Melissa

(photo nicked from Radar online)
Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to gossip hell, Melissa Gorga! According to Weekly Life & Style, Melissa has gotten on the bad side of Queen Beeyotch Teresa Giudice. Here are the headlines.

• Housewives' most shocking fight ever
  It's War!
  Exclusive interviews
  How Teresa's obsession with fame and her jealousy of younger, richer sister-in-law Melissa are tearing apart her family.
  Melissa taunts "She's envious of my life."

To my mind, that's a pretty weak taunt. Sounds more like an observation to me.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Real Housewives' Teresa betrays Caroline.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 23 May 2011

There was a lot of buzz earlier in the year in the year about the Real Housewives franchise, most of it from the Beverly Hills version. Now, several stories are being reported from the New Jersey version, including this story of betrayal.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Cher collapses after Chaz releases tell-all book.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 May 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids really don't like Cher very much, and they aren't crazy about her son Chaz either. Supposedly, the diva has collapsed due to things written in Chaz's tell all book.

I don't believe it. Collapsing over the critical reception for Burlesque, that I could believe.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Jesse's latest twisted insult.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 23 May 2011

I had some hope that Jesse James would slink out of the Top Ten celebrities in the tabloids, but he keeps getting the occasional mention. Now it's Us Weekly that is reporting on some new stupid way he's decided to insult the only woman he's ever been with that might keep his kids from being complete douche bags when they grow up.

This is the first time I've given Jesse and Sandy a Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™, though she has fussed and feuded with his ex. It's certainly not On The Rocks anymore.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Mob Wives vs. Housewives catfight!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 16 May 2011

I don't have my TV hooked up to cable right now, and even when I did, I almost never watched reality TV. Commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive wants me to give the Real Housewives franchise a go.

I have respectfully declined so far.

Now there's a new show called Mob Wives, stories of women whose husbands are serving time for mob related activities. As of early this month, even Karen Zipdrive went on the record to say she won't watch this.

The company that owns In Touch and Weekly Life & Style can try pushing this rope all they want, but I am still not interested.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bitter Camilla collapses!

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

The Globe covered the Royal Wedding, which is no surprise given how many Brits are currently running the American tabloid industry these days. The difference is that they took this opportunity to once again trash Queen Beeyotch herself, Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• "Now I'll NEVER be queen!" she sobs
• free souvenir pullout

I'm not exactly sure how many people want a free souvenir pullout of Camilla Parker-Bowles sobbing, but then again, I'm not sure who buys the Globe.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: William's bride rips into Camilla!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

For the Globe, the royal wedding that is coming up next Friday is not about the future of the British monarchy, but the start of a battle royale to see who will become Queen Bitch. Camilla Parker-Bowles may appear to already have the title sewn up, but the younger and prettier soon to be Princess Katherine is showing some spunk. According to the Globe, Kate recently told Camilla "You got rid of Diana, but you won't get rid of me!"

Oh, snap. Oh, no you din't!

It's on like Donkey Kong.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bradley disses Jen... again

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 2 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two stories about Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Aniston this week, but since they pull in completely opposite directions, I'm giving them separate posts.

If we are to believe Us Weekly, the 36 year old successful actor wants noting to do with the 42 year old spinster, regardless of how hot she looks in a bikini or how much her house is worth.