Meanest story nominee: Prince William: "I know who killed my mom!"

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

The low rent Examiner continues with the popular gossip theory that his mother Princess Diana was murdered AND the heir to the throne knows the culprit. If you really think the car crash was a hit, watch this sketch by Mitchell and Webb and see if you don't think there are a few holes in the idea.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? What Diana would look like at 50.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

A lot of the American supermarket gossip rags are run by Brits who think we are WAY more interested in British royalty than we actually are. Somebody has decided to use some age advancement software on pictures of Princess Diana to give an idea of what she would look like now at the age of 50.

All this week's news about Wills'N'Kate

Publications: Globe, People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

The Royal Couple are still a hot topic in the gossip rags, and they will probably stay that way as long as Kate is pretty, which could be quite a while. Here are the positive headlines.

People: The Princess Diaries
In her new role as duchess and wife, Kate dazzles the world with her real-girl glamour. Plus the couple pick a palace.

Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate: Inside their palace

But since every punch bowl is just another urinal to the dogs in the AMI kennel, here's the Globe's take on the situation.

Globe: As pressure mounts for Royal baby…
William's wife snaps!
Kate: "Now I know how Diana felt"
Secret letters hide shocking torment

DNA proves who is Prince Harry's real father!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to 21st Century American gossip hell, James Hewitt! The low rent Examiner re-hashes a story that has been forwarded many times, especially in Great Britain, that Prince Harry, the cheeky young prince that doesn't look much like anybody on either side of his family tree, is the son of James Hewitt. Hewitt's more than a little squidgy now, but in the picture shown here of him as a young man, was a dashing fellow with a great head of ginger hair, not unlike the cheeky young prince.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Stories about Wills'N'Kate a day before the big to-do.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 9 May 2011

I'm a little surprised that only six of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have stories about the royal wedding hitting the newsstands a day before the event. Most notably, People and the Enquirer are maintaining radio silence. I expect at least People will cover the event after the fact.

Here are the headlines about the wedding itself.

• Weekly Life & Style: Wedding of the year
  The ring! The kiss! And William's touching promise to his beautiful bride, Kate.
  Kate honors Diana
• OK!: Royal Wedding!
  The breathtaking dress, cake and flowers
  The tear-filled service & celebrity guests
  Diana would be so proud of her son
  Your personal guide to the historic event
  
  

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: William's bride rips into Camilla!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

For the Globe, the royal wedding that is coming up next Friday is not about the future of the British monarchy, but the start of a battle royale to see who will become Queen Bitch. Camilla Parker-Bowles may appear to already have the title sewn up, but the younger and prettier soon to be Princess Katherine is showing some spunk. According to the Globe, Kate recently told Camilla "You got rid of Diana, but you won't get rid of me!"

Oh, snap. Oh, no you din't!

It's on like Donkey Kong.

Weekly World News alert: Princess Diana is alive and hiding in the U.S.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 2 May 2011

After going far afield to do an End of the World story last week, the Weekly World News is back to doing what they do best, making up preposterous crap about dead people.

Princess Di is alive, hiding in the U.S. and will only be able to watch her son's wedding on basic cable, assuming she can afford it.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton already pregnant!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 25 April 2011

Now that the royal wedding is at the end of the month and all the rice has been swept up from Reese Witherspoon wedding, (literally true but figuratively, not quite), the American tabloids can now focus on Wills'N'Kate more deeply, which in the case of the dogs in the AMI kennel means they can work harder at making the young couple's life a living hell.

It's an open secret that lack of virginity is not a deal breaker anymore, and no one with a lick of sense thinks Wills'N'Kate have just been holding hands and attending polo matches for the past decade or so, but the Star says they have info from some palace blabbermouth that Kate will walk down the aisle already heavy with child. Just to make it seem more realistic, they add the details that the official announcement will come after the honeymoon and if they have a daughter, they will name her Diana.

Well, if we do have a royal baby in the near future, it won't be hard to do the math to see if this story is bollocks or not. As for now, it gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.